Receiving criticism is an inevitable part of life as an ambitious leader or manager. As much as it might sting, it can be incredibly helpful for your growth and professional development. But it can also leave you questioning or doubting yourself , damaging precious confidence. Which is why learning how to handle criticism effectively is crucial - allowing you to maintain your confidence and continue to progress in your career rather than come to a grinding halt..
Understanding the brain's natural response to criticism is the first step. When someone criticises you, it triggers the same threat response as a physical danger, activating the fight, flight, or freeze mechanisms. It’s a sign of being human - in evolutionary terms, not being accepted by peers would have left you vulnerable to being cast out and left to fend for yourself. The need to fit in is rooted in the need for safety and security because our brains haven’t kept up with the fact that criticism is no longer a risk to our ability to stay alive
In this blog I'll explore both the mindset needed to handle criticism effectively, as well as the strategies that can help you respond rather than react. The aim is to help you find approaches that allow you to handle criticism in a way that strengthens your confidence and accelerates your professional development.
Constructive and Destructive Criticism
Criticism can come in many forms and from many directions. It can range from constructive feedback aimed at helping you improve, to more harsh or unjustified comments that seem to serve little purpose beyond making you feel rubbish. Learning to differentiate between these two types of criticism is an essential first step in developing the ability to handle it effectively.
Constructive criticism, when delivered thoughtfully, can be easier to handle. This is the situation where someone you respect shares their honest view to highlight areas where you might need to develop new skills, refine your approach, or adjust your behaviour. This type of feedback, when received with an open mindset, allows you to identify opportunities for improvement and create a plan to address them.
Constructive criticism is typically framed in a way that focuses on specific behaviours or outcomes, rather than attacking your character or capabilities as a whole. It allows for a dialogue where the person offering the feedback is open to giving examples and clarifying what change you could make. And even if it’s not always brilliantly articulated, it’s delivered with an intent to be helpful to you
In contrast, destructive criticism tends to stem from the critic's own insecurities, biases, or agenda. This type of criticism is rarely intended to help you improve, but rather to make the critic feel superior, vent their frustrations, or undermine your confidence. Even where there is an intent to help you improve, it’s often laden with the idea that improving means being more like them or more like they subjectively believe you should be. Think of examples like being ‘too nice’, ‘too loud’ or telling you that ‘you don’t speak up enough’.
Destructive criticism tends to be vague and often personal. There’s an assumption it’s normally delivered in an aggressive or demeaning manner, but the reality is it often sounds pretty similar to constructive criticism. That’s because on the whole, people are pretty rubbish at giving feedback well and even more so when they do it on the hoof. So that throwaway comment sits with you and niggles away over time
While it might be tempting to dismiss destructive criticism outright, it's important to still consider whether there could be any underlying kernels of truth that could inform your development, even if the delivery was less than ideal.
Identifying the underlying intentions behind criticism is crucial. Ask yourself questions such as: Does this feedback focus on specific, actionable areas for improvement? Or is it a broad, subjective attack on my character? Is the person delivering the criticism doing so in a constructive, collaborative way? Or are they coming from a place of hostility or personal agenda?
By sifting through the criticism you receive, you can begin to approach it with a more objective and productive mindset. This awareness will enable you to extract the valuable lessons while protecting your confidence from unfair or unproductive attacks.
Developing a Resilient Mindset
Developing a resilient mindset is key to handling criticism effectively without letting it undermine your confidence. Having a resilient mindset means you can adapt and bounce back in the face of challenges, disappointments and concerns or other external sources of stress.
Linked to emotional intelligence, it means you can emotionally regulate yourself and get back to an even keel quickly - as someone once described it to me you ‘have’ emotions rather than ‘are had by’ emotions.
In the context of maintaining your confidence, there are some key components to this resilience:
Self-Acceptance and Self-Awareness: If you struggle to accept your own flaws, failings and mistakes then self awareness is going to be hard. And without self awareness you’re going to limit your development AND you’ll often lose sight of your strengths because you don’t want to be confronted by your weaknesses
So focus on accepting yourself as you already are without judging yourself for what you’re not (yet). Take time to reflect on your strengths, weaknesses, and your core values and stop comparing yourself to others. Remind yourself that criticism, whether constructive or destructive, does not define your entire worth or capabilities.
Reframing Criticism as an Opportunity: If you feel yourself becoming defensive when faced with criticism, try to reframe it as an opportunity for growth and improvement. Approach criticism with curiosity - what can you learn from this feedback that can help you become better at your job or develop new skills? Even harsh or unfair criticism, if examined objectively, could point the way to positive change.
Practising Positive Self-Talk: The voice in your head can have a powerful impact on how you respond to criticism. If someone points out something you feel sensitive about it can heighten the emotion associated with receiving that criticism. You might say stuff to yourself like ‘I can’t believe I did that again’, ‘why the hell can’t I ever learn?’
Notice how you speak to yourself and start to build a habit of speaking more kindly - it can help to focus on your competence, worth, and ability to learn and improve. Remind yourself of your past successes and the progress you've made rather than the gap between where you are and where you would like to be..
Developing a Growth Mindset: Closely tied to reframing criticism is cultivating a growth mindset. Built from research by psychologist Carol Dweck, a growth mindset is the belief that your abilities are not fixed, but can be developed through effort, strategy, and persistence.
Remind yourself that setbacks or criticism are temporary challenges to overcome, rather than permanent limitations. Dweck’s research points to the fact that successful people are actually the ones who fail the most. They push themselves to accept the uncomfortable feelings as a way to learn and stretch themselves.
Surrounding Yourself with Support: Having a network of supportive colleagues, mentors, friends and family can be a powerful antidote to the sting of criticism. Surround yourself with people who believe in your potential and are willing to provide both encouragement and constructive feedback. Lean on this network when criticism threatens to undermine your confidence.
The more you build your ability to bounce back from criticism, the better equipped you'll be to handle it without letting it derail your professional development and personal growth. The key is to approach criticism with objectivity, a solutions-oriented mindset, and to remind yourself of your capacity to continuously improve.
Effective Strategies for Responding to Criticism
A resilient mindset is all well and good for recovering from the sting that criticism brings. But what about the challenge of handling it well in the moment? It’s natural that your initial reaction may be to become defensive or dismissive. But developing constructive strategies for responding (rather than reacting) is crucial.
Active Listening and Asking Clarifying Questions: Hard as it may be, taking a moment to actively listen and seek to understand the feedback can pay dividends. Ask clarifying questions - the most useful approach is generally to ask for specific examples. Imagine someone tells you that something you’ve said or done ‘is unprofessional’. That may or may not be the case, but it’s too general for you to act on. Asking ‘what specifically did I say or do that you perceived as unprofessional’ can help you identify what to change.
Equally, asking ‘what specifically could I do if the same situation comes up in order to get a better result?’ will help you avoid making assumptions and allow you to respond effectively.
Separating the Feedback from the Person: Criticism is often more a reflection of the critic's perspective than a definitive assessment of your capabilities. Negative feedback from someone you don’t have a lot of time for can be easy to dismiss, whereas criticism from someone you respect and want to impress can send you spiralling.
In reality, both (or neither) may be objective, valid and useful. Try to separate the feedback itself from the person providing it. Ask yourself, "Is there truth in what they're saying, regardless of who they are and how it's being conveyed?"
Thanking the Critic: I know this one might feel like a stretch. Think of it as an advanced technique! Because surprising as it may seem, expressing gratitude for the criticism can be a powerful response. Thanking the person for taking the time to provide feedback, even if it's difficult to hear, demonstrates maturity and a willingness to learn.
You don’t have to tell someone you agree with their criticism or that you’ll do anything with it, simply saying ‘thanks for sharing that perspective, I will reflect on that’ is enough for someone to feel heard. It also taps into the human instinct of reciprocity - when someone knows you’re prepared to listen to them, they are more likely to be willing to listen to you in return
Navigating Destructive Criticism: When faced with criticism that feels blatantly unfair, biased, or intended to undermine your confidence, respond with calmness and professionalism. Acknowledge the feedback, but don't feel compelled to defend yourself or engage in a confrontation. Instead, politely disengage from the conversation.
It can often be the case that one or two specific people may be prone to this kind of thing - either through lashing out when they are under pressure, or through a lack of self awareness. Mentally rehearse the process of disengaging from the conversation with them so that you’re able to do it more easily in the moment.
Incorporating Criticism into Your Professional Development
Once you feel able to handle criticism without it throwing you off course, you can start to use it as part of your personal and professional development. One of the most common things I hear when delivering leadership development is that people don’t get as much feedback as they would like unless something has gone wrong.
And yet most people don’t make a habit of actively seeking out feedback - they wait for it to be given. If you trust yourself to be able to handle negative feedback, it makes sense to seek it out. Doing this can act as an early warning system, allowing you to make changes sooner rather than later.
It also demonstrates your commitment to continuous improvement and your willingness to learn. When people know you are open to hearing (and responding to) their feedback, even if it isn’t what you’d ideally like to hear, they’re more likely to be honest
When you receive criticism, whether solicited or unsolicited, take time to reflect on it objectively. Consider what it’s telling you - is it objective or subjective? Factual or opinion based? Does it fit with what others have told you and with your own assessment of your strengths and weaknesses? We tend to judge ourselves on our intentions whereas criticism is an external judgement based on our actions - if your intentions aren’t translating in the way you had hoped, it can be incredibly helpful to ask yourself why that is the case
Using mentors and coaches can be incredibly valuable when it comes to sifting through criticism and deciding whether you need to act on it. Don’t just look for validation and evidence that the criticism is unfounded, seek out people who believe in you and your potential and who will be honest if they believe criticism is worth acting on.
Mentors can guide on approaches that have worked for them or that they have seen work for others and coaches can support you to think through what you might (or might not) want to act on and how you might go about it in a way that is right for you
Documenting and Tracking Progress
It might sound a bit OTT, but keep a record of the feedback you receive, the actions you've taken in response, and the progress you've made. It can be really useful as a positive reminder of the changes you’ve made and of your capacity for growth and development.
It can also help to highlight themes and patterns in feedback over time - do you receive criticism from people who are different to you? Maybe people with different core values or personality types. Do you receive it from people you don’t know well? At times when you’re under pressure rather than operating at your best? Understanding how and when criticism tends to head your way allows you to become more proactive rather than react or respond when it arrives
Final Thoughts
Criticism stings. No two ways about it. But being able to handle it means you’re better placed to use it as a constructive tool for developing your career rather than have it pull you into a whirl of self doubt.
Remember, criticism does not define your worth, value or capabilities. It’s simply an external perspective that may or may not match up with your own self-assessment. And even where it is valid or true, the more important measure of your success lies in your commitment to continuous improvement. None of us is the finished article despite what I tell my other half.
So embrace criticism as an opportunity to strengthen your skills, enhance your leadership abilities, and showcase your professionalism and capacity to develop yourself. Surround yourself with a supportive network, build your resilience, and stay focused on the factors within your control.
If you’ve recently stepped into a leadership role and you’re finding it tricky to maintain or grow your confidence, I can help. To chat about 1:1 coaching options you can book a free initial chat or for a one off session you can book a power hour