Time after time when I coach clients, they talk about wanting to increase their confidence. They say things like ‘I’m not confident enough to….’ Or ‘I need to work on my confidence’. The idea of being more confident is seductive. Knowing you can do something makes it a hell of a lot easier to throw yourself into it
But here’s the spoiler alert. The thing that holds people back isn’t normally their confidence at all. If you’ve ever said to yourself that you need more confidence, there’s a good chance it’s your self belief that’s lacking rather than your confidence
Say what now? Aren’t self belief and confidence the same thing? I’m glad you asked. Nope. Because you can have one without the other. Or both. Or neither
It’s easy to confuse the two so let’s start with defining what each one is. It’s an important distinction because people who are generally confident can still struggle with self belief and unless you figure out which you need to address, there’s a good chance you might stay stuck for longer than necessary
Defining Confidence
Confidence is situational and it’s generally based on evidence. It’s an expectation that something will go well rather than badly. The more evidence you have that you can do something, the more your confidence grows.
I expect that if I run a leadership development workshop or talk on a podcast episode I’ll be able do a decent job. I’ve done those things lots of times before, I know roughly how it might go and I know what preparation I need to do. I might still get butterflies beforehand, especially if the stakes are high. But fundamentally, I expect them to go well.
In other words, confidence generally grows with action taking. You do something, you see how it goes, and then you have a benchmark expectation for how well it might go next time. And the more you learn (by doing it or through gaining additional knowledge or expertise) the more your confidence grows. And the
But confidence can also be fragile. If you expect something to go well and then it doesn't, your confidence drops. You might be generally confident with public speaking but if you deliver a presentation and someone rips it to shreds, there’s a good chance you’ll be less confident next time (or try and avoid it altogether)
Defining Self Belief
Self belief, on the other hand, is about what you believe about your overall potential and capacity. It’s impacted by your confidence levels, but it’s also impacted by a whole heap of other things. The messages you’ve internalised from childhood and throughout your career. The way you’ve dealt with (or struggled to deal with) setbacks and obstacles.
The way you’ve taken messages like that person ripping your presentation to shreds and made them mean something more – like you’re not good enough at your job, or you’re terrible at public speaking (as opposed to that person didn’t think you did a good job of that presentation)
A LOT of self belief is about the subconscious stuff that goes on in your brain way below the surface. What you judge about your overall potential and capacity is often based more on beliefs, feelings and fears than on hard evidence. You’re making a generalised assessment and you often subconsciously give more weight to anything associated with negative emotions than with positive ones
Once a belief is formed, your brain isn’t keen on changing it. It will delete (or not notice) information that contradicts the belief you’ve formed. It will take specific scenarios and turn them into big old generalisations (that job interview didn’t go well becomes you’re not good enough to make it at the next level). And it will distort facts to back itself up (your boss asks ‘can I have a word?’ and you assume you’re in for a telling off)
The problem with lacking self belief
When you lack confidence, it’s normally fairly clear where to direct your attention. If you need to be better at a specific skill, you can make a plan of action. As you gain experience in new situations you realise you can handle them and the next time around is easier
Struggling with self belief is a different thing. When you lack self belief you might well be fraught with anxiety and worry a lot of the time. You might experience elements of Imposter Syndrome (to a greater or lesser degree), with that gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach that you’re going to get caught out
It can get exhausting pretty quickly. You might lean in to behaviours you KNOW aren’t great, like people pleasing, overthinking and procrastinating on important projects. You might stay quiet rather than speaking up because you worry about what people will think or how they’ll judge you.
You’ll hold yourself back rather than put yourself in the frame for opportunities like a promotion because you write yourself off before anyone else gets the chance. And you’ll probably struggle to negotiate the salary and package you want even if you do go for that promotion because heaven forbid you seem greedy, demanding or awkward…
The big thing is when you lack self belief, the perfectly normal ups and downs of situational confidence serve to reinforce your view that there’s something wrong with you that needs to be fixed. That distortion and generalisation becomes the story of ‘the reason something hasn’t gone well is because I’m not good enough’ or an equivalent version.
How do I build my self belief?
If you’re squirming a bit as you read this, the obvious question is what the hell can you do about it? How can you build your self belief, have a grounded sense of confidence and not spend your days overthinking every challenge and obstacle you face in your role?
The first stage of any work I do with clients on self belief is around identity. Identity is all about what you believe about yourself. Do you believe you are capable, resourceful, and able to grow and change? Or do you believe you’re teetering on the brink of failure? What has contributed to those beliefs? For most clients, a lack of self belief stems from a mish mash of experiences throughout their entire lifetime
You’ve probably heard about limiting beliefs and how you need to eliminate / blast past them if you want to make progress. But it’s also helpful at this stage to notice the helpful beliefs you already have. Beliefs are ‘thought habits’ – they’re things you’ve thought often enough that they’ve lodged into your subconscious and you don’t routinely question them.
When you notice which ones help and which ones hinder, you can choose to pay more attention to the helpful ones AND to create new helpful ones. You can also start to challenge whether some of the less helpful ones are actually true or not.
Managing Self Sabotage
We also look at how the Mind monkeys are playing tricks to keep you in a place of self sabotage. Most people recognise the internal chatter and the obvious ways they talk themselves down. The times when they feel more than normal self doubt, or beat themselves up about something they haven’t done perfectly. But the mind monkeys to really worry about are the ones you haven’t noticed yet.
They are staying quiet because you are playing small already and they don’t need to bother themselves getting radgety with you
There are 2 quick ways to find out which mind monkeys are living rent free in your brain;
Ask yourself where am I playing small?
When I dig into that, what do I hear then from my inner critic?
When it comes to the chattery monkeys, try out the 3 Ns;
Notice them (and the fact they are not necessarily right)
Name them (you might well have more than one with different tones of voice)
Be Nice to them (reassure them, understand they have your best interests at heart and are trying to keep you safe).
It’s easy to be frustrated. But like a kid, yelling at them doesn’t solve anything. They either shout louder, sulk or lay in wait plotting their next trick. A great way to start noticing and naming them is using the PQ Saboteur Assessment
If your self belief has the tensile strength of a KitKat and your leadership career is struggling because of it, I’m here to help. My 1:1 Executive Leadership Coaching is specifically designed to equip you with the skills, mindset, and strategies you need to thrive as a senior leader.